Drowning in a puddle

I don’t know why but sometimes I speak and think in English. It feels like discussing something in a different language makes me understand things better – maybe because I have to stop every – let’s say – third word and wonder whether the word fits or not. I cannot use the same metaphors. I cannot just translate everything word by word. It feels like changing the perspective by switching the language makes me change my relation to the object discussed. Even though I sometimes just want to write everything down – as fast as I can, just to make sure not to forget anything, I force myself to change the language. I force my brain to slow down. I force my fingers to chill and to wait for right signals. I force my heart to relax. My lunges to slow down. My mind to be patient. I force myself to breathe. Just breathe. In and out. To take a moment to understand what is going on. And then I speak or think English; imagine I am abroad and meet someone who cannot speak German so that we have to use the English language to communicate. And then I imagine that this someone is someone I want to share my thoughts with. I imagine I want to prove that I do understand life. That I do understand my inner world. That I do see things a lot of people can’t. And how could this someone believe me if I spoke very bad English, used very bad metaphors.. and how could this someone understand what I am saying, if I didn’t understand the words I was using. How could this someone trust my words if I could not trust them? How could I communicate with this someone if the communication with myself did not work?

So I am speaking and thinking in English. Realizing that a lot of my fears are so unnecessary. Wondering how this feeling could distract me that hard. Accepting that I sometimes use too many letters for a one-word-feeling, just because…. Yes, let’s be honest… just because I can. Just because I feel like mastering my inner world by creating impressive metaphors. Just because I feel like going so deep, and do not realize that I am actually drowning – not in a sea of deep emotions, more a puddle of big words.

Being arrogant sucks.



pics by pixabay.com

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